September 26, 2011

Off the Top of My Head

I'm not sure who it was who said "How am I supposed to know what I think until I write it?" but it really holds true.

Sunday morning, despite a weekend of bad sleep, I woke up and went to Church with Matthew. (I'm in the choir, but I only attend every other week, alternating with her parents in order to leave someone home to take care of Melissa.) One of the men I know there was getting coffee ahead of me and asked how things were going. I shrugged and said that sleep was difficult for both of us.  "You know, I really do feel for your situation," he said. "I mean, if you are up at 3AM and need someone to yell at, you know I would be there."

My response came out immediately: "No, I don't need to yell at people. I can always yell at God. He's a good listener. He'll sit there and take all of it until I yell myself out, and say 'You know what? I'm sorry, it's not really your fault.' "

It was one of those sentences that takes the Cerebral Bypass route straight to your mouth, skipping the toll roads of Upper Brain Function Junction. I've never talked about God like that before, but after some consideration, it actually does sum up my overall thought about God's place in the tragedy of Melissa's disease.  I don't believe God comes down to Earth and individually gives people ALS or Cancer or what have you.  Disease is a universal biological phenomenon, so if I believed that God gave Melissa ALS, I would have to believe he individually creates ALL diseases, right down to Scooter the classroom hamster's liver failure to the spots on Mrs. Wilson's rosebush.  And I just don't see God as such a micro-manager, he's probably more of a "Big Picture" kind of God.

When it comes to tragedy  like this, I am reminded of the words of Dr. Peter Venkman who said "Sometimes, shit happens, someone has to deal with it, and who you gonna call?"

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