January 28, 2011

F$*# You Wachowski Brothers

Dear Wachowski Brothers,

You created one of the best sci-fi action movies in THE MATRIX back in 1999, pioneering whole new areas of visual effects and branding "Bullet-Time" cameras. It was truly an accomplishment in cinema, not only entertaining, but visually awe-inspiring and driven by a tight script with an engaging story. "The Lobby Scene" set the bar for years to come, and continues to see life a as a test reel for selling Home Theater Systems.


Then you returned with Matrix Reloaded. You opened up hundreds of sub-plots and dropped visual cues that thousands of us pored over like a bunch of paranoids reading an anti-government manifesto. But you also spent half of the movie giving back-stories and dialog to characters we would NEVER SEE AGAIN in the final chapter. And then there is the gratuitous "Orgasm Cake" sequence. I don't think I ever met anyone who liked that scene. How much of your budget was wasted making a fly-by CGI wireframe of a vagina for that? Couldn't that have been better spent on something like... oh I don't know, hiring writers? Or getting acting lessons for "PERSEPHONE"?

I'm not going to even go into REVOLUTIONS because I'm not quite there in my therapy sessions yet.

Oh, hell with it, I have to say this. THE FINAL ULTIMATE BATTLE between Neo and Agent Smith, you have thousands of replica Agent Smiths just standing around while the original fights him Mano-a-Mano "Because they have all seen the outcome". BULLSHIT. It was a craptacular ending to a trilogy that was TWO MOVIES TOO LONG.

You want to see how to make a memorable Over-the-top Sci-Fi Action Movie ending? Take a look at Endhiran - India's Sci-Fi Blockbuster:

You see that?!?!? How could THEY get everything so right and you suck so incredibly. Both parties had obscene amounts of money thrown at them, and you somehow got it so wrong that most of your fanbase was scrambling for ROOFIES on their way out of the theater to try and RetCon their memory of it.

I wanted your heads in a duffel bag, and then you go and re-make SPEED RACER into something so eye-rapingly unwatchable that I fashioned my Twizzlers into a makeshift noose.

Really, were you TRYING to cause whole scores of NEW people to have epileptic seizures? Were you and that Star Trek director being paid by the Lens Flare or something?

In conclusion: I am a grown man now. I have forgiven my father for playing baseball with me exactly once during my whole childhood. I have forgiven bullies that picked on me because I have seen what losers they became later in life. But I will never forgive you for utterly screwing up something that caused so much hope and joy and anticipation and running it immediately into the ground before pissing on it enough to put out any single ember of awesomeness that might have survived.

To paraphrase Douglas Adams, I hope that if you ever try to direct another movie, your own lower intestine, in a desperate attempt to save humanity, rips itself out of your respective abdomens and strangles the life out of you both.


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