June 04, 2007

"RISE" Up and Demand Better

I'm going to call Hollywood today and give them my verdict: A 10-year moratorium on the word "Rise" or "Rising" in Movie and Video Game titles. Frankly, it's a cop-out of a title word, especially in sequels. It's a lazy shorthand way of saying "Here's a crappy new character! Oooh, let's see how he/she stirs things up with our existing cast!" or "Here's a new villain to fight!" and more recently "Here's how a famous character started out." And we've had a metric crapload of movies abusing the word, and most to all of them have been box-office failures.

Let's examine the evidence:
  • Black Moon Rising (1986) - Tommy Lee Jones searches for a black Lamborghini and jumps it out of a building. Ooooooh.
  • Rise of the Dragon (1990) - Okay This one was a very cool game in its day. It can stay. But then...
  • Rising Sun (1993) Wesley Snipes killed this Japanese-flavored Michael Crichton flick. Even Tia Carerre as a computer genius couldn't save it.
  • Mercury Rising (1998) Bruce Willis protecting a computer whiz-kid, apparently from a train? (I just watched the trailer)
  • Deep Rising (1998) - Filled that niche "Aquatic Horror" time between "Deep Star Six" and... that shark movie with LL Cool J.
  • Hostile Waters: Antaeus Rising (2001)
  • Rise of Nations (2003)
  • Batman: Rise of Sin Tzu (2003). See what I did there? Change one letter from the famous "Art of War" author Sun Tzu's name and now he's a villain! GENIUS!
  • Jet Li's "Rise to Honor" (2003).
  • Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003) Not horrible for the box office because of the pedigree... but come ON... a 20-minute segment of Arnold fighting with HIMSLEF, trying not to kill John Connor?
  • Stargate Atlantis: Rising (2004) Never saw it.
  • Joint Operations: Typhoon Rising (2004) Meteorologists can weigh in on this one, but I THINK that Typhoons move horizontally instead of vertically.
  • The Incredibles: Rise of the Underminer (2005) Okay, this one is acutal PHYSICAL rising, as well as a villain intro. Given the context, I only count this as half bad.
  • X-Men Legends II: Rise of Apocalypse (2005) At least they didn't spell it "Apokolips" like in Superman.
  • Marvel Nemesis: Rise of the Imperfects (2005) "Here's a new batch of guys. Fight."
  • Advent Rising (2005) How bad a game could it be with Orson Scott Card writing it? Suprisingly bad.
  • RIZE (2005) Kooky jerky dancing. Woot.
  • Carlito's Way: Rise to Power (2005) Sequel not starring Al Pacino... BUT adding Sean "P-Diddy" Combs? Why did this fail?
    Hannibal Rising (2007) Silence of the lambs was great, but we've worn out the story with bad sequels. So let's try a Prequel! And let's try to rip off "American Psycho" as much as possible.
  • Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj (2006) Van wasn't so funny to begin with. So let's give some equal-opportunity work to his Indian sidekick.

    And the latest and least promising: Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007) For the love of God, he's not even rising in the FIGURATIVE sense. He's not out to conquer earth, he's trying to stop Galactus. But I guess "Silver Surfer Tries to Make The Fantastic Four Movies NOT Suck" is too long to put on a poster.

    We even have RISING in the future to look forward to:
    The Untouchables: Capone Rising (2008)

    So I ask you to join me in petitioning Hollywood and the Video Game Industry to actually PRESS their writers to come up with a less hokey title device than "Rising" and it's derivatives. Come on people, I could write better than that, and I named my blog "The Kernsville Post". Mainly because "The Rise of Kern" sounded like a pr0n flick.
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