March 04, 2007

Stormy the Hunter

CAT-5 CableI've had a cat in the household since I was 5 years old, but I've never known a cat like Stormy. And every time we take him to the vet's, they tell us the same thing. Saying that he's weird is kind of like saying that the only thing President Bush really needs is a verbal spell-check: The problem goes MUCH deeper than that.

First off, there's the wake-up calls. He knows that I get up at 7 every weekday, but he decided that I needed to get up earlier, so he starts climbing the upholstery and knocking things off the dresser around 6:30. Every. Damned. Morning. And when I get up to grab him and shut him out of the bedroom, he dives under the bed, out of reach.

But I know his weakness: Running water. He can't resist the stuff. So when his morning shenanigans wake me up, I run the tap and he comes running in. He leaves the bedroom by air, to make a point of his punishment. But he never learns, that's why he keeps falling for the running water trick every morning.

Next we have his hunter instincts. Basically, anything that comes within two feet of him must look like it has "Prey" marked in large, friendly letters on it. A laundry basket, window blinds, a chair, my leg. (Mostly my leg.) Even unmoving objects like the couch has been mauled by his superior predatory skills.

This brings us to his latest bit of interesting behavior: Hunting Bread. Swear to God, we heard a scuffle in the kitchen this week (nothing new) and he came around the corner carrying a bag of hamburger buns in his mouth like it was a mouse. He was actually STRUTTING down the hall, head and tail raised in pride of his kill. I blinked in stunned silence for a moment.

My cat... was stalking CARBS.

I grabbed the bag of buns from him with a bit of effort and put them up in the cabinet, noticing the gouge marks in the bag itself. (The bag must have struggled. It wasn't a clean kill.) I returned to the computer only to hear the same scuffle in the kitchen two minutes later, and Stormy re-appeared with the bag of sandwich bread.

I think my cat, might possibly be a suspect in Dr. Atkins' death.


  1. I used to have the same waking up problem with Buena - this is the only thing that worked with her: Get a compressed-air duster - like you use to clean your keyboard. At some pointwhen the cat is being bad during the day, hold the can upside down and shoot the cat with it so the airshot goes against the grain of its fur. Do it in one quick blast. Once the cat is totally freaked out by this, keep it next to your bed, and the sound alone should make him stop, even without having to hit him with it.

  2. I wonder if maybe this is PTSD from his childhood at my house - where carbs are mostly outlawed and we almost never have hamburger buns!