October 24, 2005

The Smoking MILF

Mel and I went to Anime Weekend Atlanta last month and had a blast. (See my Flickr badge on the left for pics.) We went around together, dressed as the Gravitation couple that we were at the last convention and posing for squee-ing teen girls. ("What? You wan us to kiss? Okay, she IS my wife, sure thing.")

Later in the evening, we split up to go to some panels. She went of with some Con friends, and I sat in on an Anime Music Video (AMV) Panel. Well, it ended up being a talk on the nuts-and-bolts back-end of running the website AnimeMusicVideos.org. I, along with half of the people there, were expecting to see short clips of giant robots blowing each other up to the sounds of Godsmack or Nine Inch Nails. So I took off, and I wasn't alone.

Nothing else was going on for the remainder of the hour, and I had brought a cigar with me for just such an situation. Out of courtesy, I picked the bench farthest from the courtyard door, away from the quick nic-fixers and fired up. I had originally bought these cigars to celebrate Phil's glorious exit from the "SHIVER" movie he'd been working on, but Phil doesn't smoke anymore.

Two inches of ash later, a woman in a red plaid mini-skirt asked if she could sit down, since the other benches were taken. I moved my stuff over, not gazing above ankle-level. I could tell she had a nice figure from my peripheral vision, but I didn't look directly. Didn't want to look like a creep.

I didn't talk at first. You never know if smokers at these places wanted to escape FROM silence, or into it. This one was up for smalltalk, though. I mentioned that I was here with my wife and my son was with a sitter, just to get that out in the open. Her daughter was working one of the booths in Artist Alley and she was helping out. The formalities out the way, we discussed the general feelings of an over-30 parent at a convention mostly attended by kids under 21.

The wind shifted, making her seat downwind from me. "Hope you don't mind this," I said, motioning with my cigar. "Not a bit," she said, exhaling, "I'm smoking cloves."

It was standard smalltalk, nothing to commit to memory, until she lit up her second cigarette off the stub of the first one. "My son had this problem with skipping school," she began, and I knew something memorable was on the way.

"No matter how much we punished him, he kept on skipping. We took away the computer, grounded him, everything. Nothing worked. Then I sat him down one day and told him 'Look, I can't make you go to school every day, BUT... I do have some vacation days coming to me. So here's what I'm going to do: Next time you skip, I'm going with you to school the next day. I'll be with you, every class, all day. And I'm going to wear that red plaid mini-skirt and midriff shirt, and put my hair up in a ponytail. I won't talk, I'll just sit at a desk in the back, sucking on a lollipop all during class. The day after that, I'll come in my jogging suit with nothing but a sports bra and thong underneath. I've got a week of vacation, so it'll go on like that for seven school days.'"

"'And if all your friends don't think I'm a MILF already, they will by the time that week is over,'" she said, and then stood up for me to take in the aforementioned outfit. She had the body to pull it off, no doubt. But she also seemed to be someone who depends too much on her looks to get though life, which is quite a negative in my book. She was a woman who was used to men gaping at her, and my lack of attention probably threw her off so badly that she had to resort to standing up and doing the "TA-DA" pose to get a full glance.

And a glance was all she got. I laughed and looked down at my feet again. She took one last drag and stubbed out the clove on the concrete. "Never had another problem with him skipping school," she exhaled. I nodded in approval. Creative parenting. Use the skills that you have, I suppose.

She walked back inside, but I didn't watch.

No comments:

Post a Comment