April 20, 2005

The Bachelor Party

Brother Justin is getting married next weekend, and the Kerns are very happy for all parties involved. Seeing as there is no "best man", and due in part to Jay's suggestion, I've attempted to put together a bachelor party for the guy.

Now I'm no world traveller, but I can say without hesitation that there are two types of guys in the world: Those who want strippers at a bachelor party, and those who don't. I, personally, do not. I've been to strip joints twice in my life. (To quote Chef from South Park: "There is a time and place for everything...it's called 'College'.") It wasn't pretty. The DANCERS were, but the situation was not. Nothing bad happened, I just didn't enjoy myself, which is the whole reason why people go to places like that in the first place.

I just never got the rationale of strip joints. Here I am, a lonely guy with guy-needs, so I'll pay money to watch women take their clothes off in front of me and make me even more sexually frustrated than I already am. I'll shell out a boatload of money to sit in a chair used by countless questionable patrons, fearfully operate the levers in the bathroom with my feet, look at woman I can't have and pay $12 for a Heineken. How can I resist such a place?

When it comes to hired strippers, it's just as bad, if not worse. The dancers come to your house or party room, never knowing what array of creeps to expect, nor what stage of intoxication they will be in at her arrival. Some people wanted one at my bachelor party, but I torpedoed that one immediately. We ended up renting out a room in the Athens BrewPub, drinking ourselves silly and getting acquainted with the people from various points in my life. Everyone had a great time, and no one had to explain lipstick stains on their trouser seam the next morning.

Luckily for me, Justin did not want to hire a dancer for the occasion. So it's just friends, beer pitchers and loads of 8-ball pool, quoting movie lines and telling stories all the way. This is really the best way to remember the single days, since it's more truthful about what actually took place in those times.

Cheers, Justin. Here's to your new life.

1 comment:

  1. God bless you for bypassing the stripper. As if marriage wasn't difficult enough - adding infidelity the night before the wedding to the list of things to overcome is just plain silly. Your note made me laugh out loud - andeven though we don't have a special title for you - you are definitely our best man!! Stace