December 09, 2003

Is there anything more annoying than badly-fitting trousers? Don't get me wrong, they fit badly for all the right reasons, since I lost 20 lbs over the past year. It's just one of those little nagging annoyances that gradualy get more frustrating as the day goes on. Sort of like discovering too late that you are wearing one blue and one black sock (The TRUE male color blindness).

My new shape perplexes me, though, because although I've gone down a pants size, my gut seems not to have noticed. In fact, I don't see any difference at all in my shape, but my clothing says I'm a bit smaller than I was. I have a fear that in order to achieve this, my body has democratically reduced volume by 9%, across the board, including vital organs. I worry about this because we are only reported to use about 10% of our brain to begin with.

The relationship between weight loss and wardrobe is a fundamental difference between men and women. If a woman drops 20 lbs, she considers it a moral imperative to buy a closet full of new clothes to fit the new her, and to show the world the difference. Men, or more specifically "Guys" (as defined by Dave Barry), upon losing 20 lbs, will usually just break out a few pairs of older trousers, and continue wearing what they have been. The end result is a guy who's constantly tyring to tuck in shirts that he's swimming in, and wearing trousers with a crotch two inches below where it should be and, inexplicably, trouser legs that hover an inch above their standard-issue loafers.

(I now pause to hear the collective groans of all my past grammar teachers for the structure of that last paragraph. Ah, there it is.)

I write this to explain why I would actually LIKE to receive clothing or clothing store gift certificates for Christmas this year, and that it's not a cop-out.

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